The Benefits Of Active Listening For Couples.
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Most couples have strain in their relationship. This is a simple, honest, straightforward fact of life. When we recognise that there is no such thing as the “perfect couple”, we can breathe a sigh of relief and get on with the job of fixing/maintaining/enhancing our own relationship.
All couples, at some time or another, take strain in their relationship. Nothing can hide this universal fact. Recognising that there is, and never has been, a ‘perfect couple’, means that we can finally relax and get on with the job in hand of improving/restoring/maintaining our own individual partnership.
What we are not saying here, is that both parties have to agree with each other before communication is over. That will certainly not be the case most times. Rather, we are saying that when both parties fell understood by the other, communication will be tremendously enhanced. This is the case even when both “agree to disagree”.
How is ‘active listening’ achieved? By a process whereby each partner reflects back to the other what they think they are hearing – or what they perceive the other partner is saying.
What is reflected back is the facts and feelings in what is being said. After these have been reflected back, the original speaker can then respond by ‘tweaking’ what has been reflected back to make sure that the original listener really has grasped the facts and feelings (or content and emotions) of what has been communicated.
Bear in mind, at all times, that the purpose of this exercise is not to get the listener to agree with the speaker – they probably won’t! The purpose is to enable the speaker to feel understood. We all know that great feeling when we can say/feel, “At least somebody understands me!”
Let us take an example. Jim and Denise have a disagreement about the laundry. Denise: “I’m really frustrated and cross that you never undo your dirty socks but just peel them off and throw them into the laundry without unravelling them. Then I end up having to do it. I get very angry as I keep telling you and I feel upset that it makes no difference.”
Jim: “So you’re saying that you are really angry and upset with me because I don’t unravel my socks?” Denise: “Yes, you’re right about that. But also that I end up doing it.” Jim: “And you get upset because if I don’t do it, then in the end you do it.” Denise: “You’re right. I’ll do it in the end.”
As this example shows, the end result of active listening (which is the desired effect) is that Denise feels that she is understood. Jim may not think she is right (and may selfishly not even unravel his socks again) but at least Denise feels understood – that Jim has heard her and knows how she feels about the situation.
If active listening is reciprocated by the other partner too, then obviously a good two-way means of communication has been established. Both parties will feel understood. That is the ideal. And then the concept that communication is not over until both parties feel that they are understood has been successfully achieved.
Also note that “I” messages are being used here (rather than accusatory “You” messages). Denise is recognising and ‘owning’ that she is the one feeling cross, angry, frustrated, upset, etc. regardless of what Jim (or anybody else for that matter) has done to her. An “I” message accepts responsibility that ultimately our feelings and emotions belong to us and we are responsible for them.
If Denise had accused Jim with a “You” message such as, “You make me so flaming angry because you never unravel your socks,” the chances are that Jim would have got defensive. Would any of us behave different when accused like this? Almost certainly the response would be aggressive and the argument would then escalate.
Does it sound like all this talk about “I” messages and active listening’ is a load of theoretical nonsense? Then go for it! Try using ‘active listening’ with your partner by reflecting back the feelings and facts of what is being said. It’s not just doing parrot talk. Rather, it is attempting to make sure your partner feels understood because you have taken the time and effort to reflect back properly what they are feeling and saying.
And if things go wrong and an argument breaks out? It is not too late to use ‘active listening’ and “I” messages after the event. When things have cooled down it is possible to recover ground, pick up the pieces and make amends. Better late than never – and it really will make a difference if your partner feels understood.
So enjoy. And practice. And practice again. And let some of the strain, anger and tension in your relationship diminish. And after you have used it with your partner, then practice on the kids, the boss, the mother-in-law, the next door neighbour – in fact anyone whom you’d like to improve communication with!
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