How Active Listening Will Enhance The Relationship Between A Couple.
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Most couples have strain in their relationship. This is a simple, honest, straightforward fact of life. When we recognise that there is no such thing as the “perfect couple”, we can breathe a sigh of relief and get on with the job of fixing/maintaining/enhancing our own relationship.
One key to a good relationship is what is known as “Active Listening”. It is based on the premise that, “Communication is not over until both parties feel understood”. Understood, is the key word here.
What is not being said here, is that communication is over when both parties agree with each other. Most times this will not happen. No. We are saying that communication can be tremendously enhanced when both parties feel that the other understands them. Even if “agreeing to disagree” is the end product.
How is ‘active listening’ actually achieved? It happens when each partner reflects back to the other what they have heard – or rather what they think they have heard.
It is the facts and feelings in what was said that the listener tries to reflect back. After the listener has reflected these back to the speaker, the original speaker can then ‘tweak’ the response to make sure that the original listener really has grasped what the speaker was trying to communicate ie. the content and feelings of what was said.
Remember, at all times, that the aim is not to get the listener to necessarily agree with the speaker. This might not ever happen! The point of it all is to allow the speaker to get to that place where they feel they have been understood. We all know that feeling we get when we feel that someone finally understands us!
Here’s an example. Denise and Jim have disagreed about items in the laundry. Denise: “I’m so frustrated and angry that you just peel your socks off and put them in the laundry without unravelling them. I end up having to do it. I’m so cross as I keep on telling you and it seems to make absolutely no difference whatsoever.”
Jim: “So what you are saying is that you are really cross and angry with me for not unravelling my dirty socks.” Denise: “Yes, that’s right. But also that I then end up having to do it.” Jim:”And you’re upset with me because you end up having to do it if I don’t.” Denise: “That’s right. I end up having to do it.”
In this example of active listening, the end result (which is what is desired) is that Denise feels understood. Jim may not agree with her (and may even selfishly forget to unravel his socks again) but Denise feels she has verbalized to him how she feels (appropriately) and has “got it off her chest”. She feels that Jim understands her.
If active listening is reciprocated by the other partner too, then obviously a good two-way means of communication has been established. Both parties will feel understood. That is the ideal. And then the concept that communication is not over until both parties feel that they are understood has been successfully achieved.
Please note here Denise’s use of “I” messages rather than a “You” accusation. She is recognising and accepting that ultimately, regardless of what Jim has done, she is the one who is angry, cross, frustrated and upset and she has to ‘own’ that. An “I” message recognises that we have be responsible for our emotions and actions, regardless if someone else has done anything to precipitate them.
And if Denise had just let rip at Jim with a “You” accusation, “You make me so upset because you never unravel your damn socks,” then he would, almost certainly, just get defensive. That wouldn’t be surprising – would any of us be different? Most likely he would just respond negatively and the argument would escalate.
Does it sound like all this talk about “I” messages and active listening’ is a load of theoretical nonsense? Then go for it! Try using ‘active listening’ with your partner by reflecting back the feelings and facts of what is being said. It’s not just doing parrot talk. Rather, it is attempting to make sure your partner feels understood because you have taken the time and effort to reflect back properly what they are feeling and saying.
And what if it all goes wrong and strife does break out? It is still not to late to bring in the skills of ‘active listening’ and “I” messages. After tempers have had chance to cool, it is still possible to pick up the pieces, make amends and let your partner feel understood. And they will appreciate that.
So there it is. Try it. And then try it again. And you will see that it works. And some of the tension, frustration and anger will drain from the relationship. And when you have tried it with your partner, then try it on the the boss, or the kids, the next door neighbour, the in-laws – in fact try it on anyone whom you would like to improve your communication skills with!
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